When Will I Be Loved?

Remember that old Linda Ronstadt song "When Will I be Loved?"

Well... I think I know the answer Linda.

But first let me say, I know that place very well.  That place where everything I think I want seems so elusive.  Where I feel like I've done so much work on myself and still I end up feeling isolated and alone or worse, heartbroken.

Almost two years into the dissolving of my former life as 'his wife' (see previous posts for more about that), I have a healthy respect for having my heart broken.

Yes a broken heart absolutely, positively SUCKS! Whether it's the loss of a loved one or the end of a cherished relationship - it's extremely painful.  I know that pain, I'm on a first name basis with grief.

But I also understand the power of a broken heart.  When you listen to Linda's lyrics "I've been cheated, been mistreated", they are like the blue prints of the hidden beliefs the song writer has about life.  We all have these thoughts that somehow get seeded into us.  If we don't pay attention, if we don't weed them out, well.... they tend to grow and eventually blossom.

The power of the broken heart is that it stirs everything up so we can begin to see what wants to be healed besides our heart.  It is usually some form of blame or shame.  Neither of these things will lead us to our greater good.  Yet if we are willing to look at our internal victim and its persona just long enough to let our negative ideas surface,  we can press into them and begin the process of releasing our hidden beliefs.  Once we let go of our victimhood we can begin to reveal a more intrinsic truth about ourselves.

What's underneath those misinformed feelings is our worthiness and the truth of our wholeness. When we can begin to catch a glimpse of this, when we can begin to lean in and be willing to love ourselves, well, that's when we'll be loved.

The First Time I Saw You

The first time I saw you was not the first time. It took me a little while to realize who you were.  There was the time a group of us helped you move, then there was the softball game where I brought my toddler son to watch, the meeting you chaired that you called on me…but the first time I saw you was when you were working for my parents.  I came upstairs for breakfast with my little boy in my arms - we were wearing our matching pajamas and you were sitting at the breakfast table.  I know you saw me too.  We talked and connected and then we went out.  You were strong and independent and charming.  

I remember our first real date, you were so cute and it was clear you had never been to a fancy restaurant like the one you took me to.  I had to tell you what some of the menu items were.  You were still strong and independent in my eyes.

Sitting here now, I wonder if I ever really saw you… while we stayed together for over 33 years I don’t know if I did.  I remember thinking you were judgmental and dictatorial…oh wait that was me.  I saw you as holy and well read and spiritual, I saw you as the breadwinner and keeper of the family… in every case that turned out to be me… in the end I saw you as broken and lonely and sad… now that appears to be me too.

I saw you let go of us and I saw you reach for another, I believe I called her your twin flame when you told me about her -  I wanted that for us.  As I let go I can honestly say I want this for you, I really do.  I want you to be whole and happy and loved and strong and cared for and loving.  I know you are all these things… I’m sorry I couldn’t see you.  Maybe once I learn to see me, I'll remember seeing you too.

Why Bother Breathing?

If I have to let go of everything, what's the point of life? Why even bother breathing?

I suppose it is to love, I have loved more than you can ever imagine.  St Francis seems to point the way with his prayer for peace... not necessarily world peace, but you know...inner peace.

Oh Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. 
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light
Where there is sadness, joy

Oh Divine Master, grant that I may seek not so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love.  For it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned and it is in dying that we are born into eternal life. 

Amen

There is so much propaganda in the world today about getting things; we want material things, we want money, we want love, heck sometimes we just want our needs met but this prayer is a wonderful reminder that it is what we give that sustains us and leads us to getting what we willingly and lovingly share.

Happy Holydays!

Who Are You?

Had my first lunch date.  I'm not sure it was truly a date but I'm calling it that (he did bring me flowers).  It was my first date in over 33 years.  I went into it with very few expectations, so I thought.  I was surprised at how easy it was for me to superimpose my ideas about who my date was.  Maybe this is a hold over from being married for so long.

I think that was a practice I developed with my former spouse.  He was/is a lovely man but quite the introvert, so I was in the habit of making up things about him.  He's sad...He must be mad... He likes being left alone... when in fact I don't think I really knew him that well at all (I agree I might be a bit too hard on myself here, but still...).

I don't think I'm unique in this peculiar habit of mine.  It's much easier to make up things in our own mind about others than it is to take the time to get to know them.

On the flip side it is easier to let people think what they want than to let them in and let them get to know you.

If you find yourself talking to me in the near future don't be surprised if I ask you, "Who are you?" because I really want to know.  I want to stop making assumptions and I want to find out who you are.

Maybe with a little practice I'll get better at letting you know who I am too.

Namaste'

Must . Sit . With . It

Over the last day or so I've found it very difficult to sit still.  I feel like a child rebelling against her parent's gentle guidance - 'don't touch that, leave that alone'.

This new life of mine is so strange, despite the fact that everything (well almost everything) is still the same.  I live in the same space, I have the same job, I work with same people, I have the same friends, heck even my financial condition is the same.  Of course the only thing that is missing is 'him'.

:::sigh:::  I miss 'him'...  maybe that's what I don't want to sit with.   Our relationship wasn't ideal but I liked being married to 'him'.

Whenever I hear a girl friend complain about their mate I am reminded how much I took my relationship for granted.  No he didn't give me everything I wanted, didn't meet all my needs (in fact he didn't meet most of them) but that taught me how to meet my own needs. And in meeting my own needs a chasm was created between us so that we ended up living on two parallel paths.

Despite our separate-but-togetherness, there is a new chasm in my life that I'm really uncomfortable with.  Maybe this is what I need to sit with now.  I know if I try to fill the space created by his absence I will be short changing myself.  This void that has been created is being cleaned out by my grief, and something in me knows that it's not mine to fill but to sit with.

Again I heard my Soul whisper gently to me - "don't touch that, leave that alone" but I ignored her and kept on with my distraction. Then I opened a book I was reading for class.  This was the very next passage from a chapter called the Law of Growth:

"Our mistakes always eventually resolve themselves into distrusting the law of growth.  Either we fancy we can hasten it by some exertion on our own from without, and are thus led into hurry and anxiety... or else we give up all hope and so deny the germinating power of the seed we have planted."  

Part of starting over is planting a seed and waiting for it to germinate.  I know the seed I want to plant is partnership and companionship, but this is not the season for germination, this is the season for preparing the soil.  This is what my sitting still is all about.  So ok, I'm listening, I heard you!  I'll stop trying to pry my little seed open and instead work on soil preparation.  The time for planting will come soon enough.

Be The Love You Want

After my morning practices I was feeling so grateful that my divorce was happening in a way that, at least externally, was fairly easy.  The internal processing is an entirely different matter, but externally I'm feeling carried and protected.  It was nice to realize and allow the feeling of gratitude in the midst of my grieving process.   And out of my gratitude came a lovely awareness.

My relationship with my former spouse was full of mutual love and respect; what was missing was a sense of companionship.  I'd love to pin that all on 'him' but I can see that despite having been in relationship to the same person for 33 years one of my growing edges is how to be a companion in relationship.

I don't know that companionship is as much a skill as an experience of the merging of two personalities. Like making a casserole, you can have a lot of good ingredients but with out ingredients that can bind properly well, it's just too soupy.

So I began thinking about the ingredients or qualities I'd like to have in a companion.  Here's my list:

Spiritually mature
Playful and fun
Devotion
Independence
Freedom
Financially mature
Peace filled
Loving
Healthy
Good self-care
Compassionate
Passionate

As I looked at the list it occurred to me that I rank pretty high on all these qualities myself.  What an awesome insight! Like the old adage says, you have to be willing to be a friend before you can have a friend - I think this applies to partners too.  While I'm not ready to jump back into being in a relationship just yet - its fun to begin thinking of what I want and to know that what I want already lives within me.

For now I can be the love I want to experience in my friendships and allow things to unfold.