The First Time I Saw You

The first time I saw you was not the first time. It took me a little while to realize who you were.  There was the time a group of us helped you move, then there was the softball game where I brought my toddler son to watch, the meeting you chaired that you called on me…but the first time I saw you was when you were working for my parents.  I came upstairs for breakfast with my little boy in my arms - we were wearing our matching pajamas and you were sitting at the breakfast table.  I know you saw me too.  We talked and connected and then we went out.  You were strong and independent and charming.  

I remember our first real date, you were so cute and it was clear you had never been to a fancy restaurant like the one you took me to.  I had to tell you what some of the menu items were.  You were still strong and independent in my eyes.

Sitting here now, I wonder if I ever really saw you… while we stayed together for over 33 years I don’t know if I did.  I remember thinking you were judgmental and dictatorial…oh wait that was me.  I saw you as holy and well read and spiritual, I saw you as the breadwinner and keeper of the family… in every case that turned out to be me… in the end I saw you as broken and lonely and sad… now that appears to be me too.

I saw you let go of us and I saw you reach for another, I believe I called her your twin flame when you told me about her -  I wanted that for us.  As I let go I can honestly say I want this for you, I really do.  I want you to be whole and happy and loved and strong and cared for and loving.  I know you are all these things… I’m sorry I couldn’t see you.  Maybe once I learn to see me, I'll remember seeing you too.