Must . Sit . With . It

Over the last day or so I've found it very difficult to sit still.  I feel like a child rebelling against her parent's gentle guidance - 'don't touch that, leave that alone'.

This new life of mine is so strange, despite the fact that everything (well almost everything) is still the same.  I live in the same space, I have the same job, I work with same people, I have the same friends, heck even my financial condition is the same.  Of course the only thing that is missing is 'him'.

:::sigh:::  I miss 'him'...  maybe that's what I don't want to sit with.   Our relationship wasn't ideal but I liked being married to 'him'.

Whenever I hear a girl friend complain about their mate I am reminded how much I took my relationship for granted.  No he didn't give me everything I wanted, didn't meet all my needs (in fact he didn't meet most of them) but that taught me how to meet my own needs. And in meeting my own needs a chasm was created between us so that we ended up living on two parallel paths.

Despite our separate-but-togetherness, there is a new chasm in my life that I'm really uncomfortable with.  Maybe this is what I need to sit with now.  I know if I try to fill the space created by his absence I will be short changing myself.  This void that has been created is being cleaned out by my grief, and something in me knows that it's not mine to fill but to sit with.

Again I heard my Soul whisper gently to me - "don't touch that, leave that alone" but I ignored her and kept on with my distraction. Then I opened a book I was reading for class.  This was the very next passage from a chapter called the Law of Growth:

"Our mistakes always eventually resolve themselves into distrusting the law of growth.  Either we fancy we can hasten it by some exertion on our own from without, and are thus led into hurry and anxiety... or else we give up all hope and so deny the germinating power of the seed we have planted."  

Part of starting over is planting a seed and waiting for it to germinate.  I know the seed I want to plant is partnership and companionship, but this is not the season for germination, this is the season for preparing the soil.  This is what my sitting still is all about.  So ok, I'm listening, I heard you!  I'll stop trying to pry my little seed open and instead work on soil preparation.  The time for planting will come soon enough.

Be The Love You Want

After my morning practices I was feeling so grateful that my divorce was happening in a way that, at least externally, was fairly easy.  The internal processing is an entirely different matter, but externally I'm feeling carried and protected.  It was nice to realize and allow the feeling of gratitude in the midst of my grieving process.   And out of my gratitude came a lovely awareness.

My relationship with my former spouse was full of mutual love and respect; what was missing was a sense of companionship.  I'd love to pin that all on 'him' but I can see that despite having been in relationship to the same person for 33 years one of my growing edges is how to be a companion in relationship.

I don't know that companionship is as much a skill as an experience of the merging of two personalities. Like making a casserole, you can have a lot of good ingredients but with out ingredients that can bind properly well, it's just too soupy.

So I began thinking about the ingredients or qualities I'd like to have in a companion.  Here's my list:

Spiritually mature
Playful and fun
Devotion
Independence
Freedom
Financially mature
Peace filled
Loving
Healthy
Good self-care
Compassionate
Passionate

As I looked at the list it occurred to me that I rank pretty high on all these qualities myself.  What an awesome insight! Like the old adage says, you have to be willing to be a friend before you can have a friend - I think this applies to partners too.  While I'm not ready to jump back into being in a relationship just yet - its fun to begin thinking of what I want and to know that what I want already lives within me.

For now I can be the love I want to experience in my friendships and allow things to unfold.