Must . Sit . With . It

Over the last day or so I've found it very difficult to sit still.  I feel like a child rebelling against her parent's gentle guidance - 'don't touch that, leave that alone'.

This new life of mine is so strange, despite the fact that everything (well almost everything) is still the same.  I live in the same space, I have the same job, I work with same people, I have the same friends, heck even my financial condition is the same.  Of course the only thing that is missing is 'him'.

:::sigh:::  I miss 'him'...  maybe that's what I don't want to sit with.   Our relationship wasn't ideal but I liked being married to 'him'.

Whenever I hear a girl friend complain about their mate I am reminded how much I took my relationship for granted.  No he didn't give me everything I wanted, didn't meet all my needs (in fact he didn't meet most of them) but that taught me how to meet my own needs. And in meeting my own needs a chasm was created between us so that we ended up living on two parallel paths.

Despite our separate-but-togetherness, there is a new chasm in my life that I'm really uncomfortable with.  Maybe this is what I need to sit with now.  I know if I try to fill the space created by his absence I will be short changing myself.  This void that has been created is being cleaned out by my grief, and something in me knows that it's not mine to fill but to sit with.

Again I heard my Soul whisper gently to me - "don't touch that, leave that alone" but I ignored her and kept on with my distraction. Then I opened a book I was reading for class.  This was the very next passage from a chapter called the Law of Growth:

"Our mistakes always eventually resolve themselves into distrusting the law of growth.  Either we fancy we can hasten it by some exertion on our own from without, and are thus led into hurry and anxiety... or else we give up all hope and so deny the germinating power of the seed we have planted."  

Part of starting over is planting a seed and waiting for it to germinate.  I know the seed I want to plant is partnership and companionship, but this is not the season for germination, this is the season for preparing the soil.  This is what my sitting still is all about.  So ok, I'm listening, I heard you!  I'll stop trying to pry my little seed open and instead work on soil preparation.  The time for planting will come soon enough.